I am Wrong
by morgow
Summary: This is based off of a headcanon that in a human au, Ludwig was raised as a catholic and was raised to believe homosexuality is wrong etc. He kind of beats himself up about being gay and falling in love with Feli. There's a happy ending though, I promise.


A/N: i had this idea a while ago? like that ludwig would be so uncomfortable with stuff that isnt ''''natural'''' and that his parents told him being gay is '''wrong''''. this is probably going to be sad. reviews and critiques are appreciated!

* * *

Ludwig was raised as a catholic. He went to church every Sunday in his Sunday's best; he prayed before every meal. His parents called him the perfect little catholic boy.

His parents enforced ideas of 'natural' gender and sexuality; that a man could never be a woman and vice versa, and androgyny did not exist; and that man would lay with a woman, no sex before marriage, and so on so forth. Ludwig was raised to believe these discriminatory principles were law.

As he grew older, around middle school age, he realized he was not attracted to women. He was scared. He locked himself up in his room for days. His brother, Gilbert, finally picked the lock (one of his many talents, he claimed) and talked to him.

Gilbert told him it was okay to feel that way. Ludwig wasn't convinced; his parents made it perfectly clear how wrong homosexuality was, but he said he was okay to get his brother out of his hair. Afterward, Ludwig asked Gilbert to promise not to tell anyone.

"Not Mom and Dad?"

"Please, especially not them,"

"Not even Gilbird?"

"Please, not even Gilbird,"

Gilbert (surprisingly) understood the urgency in his brother's voice. He would keep this secret.

* * *

Ludwig didn't have a hard time hiding his sexuality. He didn't have friends, and he didn't talk to anyone, so he couldn't fall in love. Nobody would spread rumors about him; he was one of the stronger people in his school, and people were intimidated just enough to leave him alone.

No, people around him weren't the problem. His problem was internal.

Ludwig knew that just because nobody was in his head; that nobody knew about his sexuality, it didn't mean he wasn't gay. And it especially didn't change that fact that being gay was wrong.

The mood swings from his hormonal adolescent body didn't help him. He fell into depression.

This lasted a year, where he didn't live. He simply went through the motions, as if he was watching a movie of his life rather than actually being in it. Everything about who he was was wrong, and there was nothing he could do about it. He felt helpless, stuck down a hole and he simply didn't have the strength or the supplies to get out. He couldn't change for sure; he had tried so many times. He even went out with a girl for a while.

She broke up with him, sweetly and sadly. She told him that he wasn't in love with her. He didn't disagree.

By the end of eighth grade, the raging hormonal storm had settled down. His brother got his mother to put him on medication. He finally had the strength to pull himself out of the ditch, and his brother was the one who threw him the rope. Gilbert never gave up on him, not once through all of this. He had thanked him for that. He still thanks him for that.

* * *

Everything was fine for a while. Ludwig found a way to ignore his sexuality, by rejecting all romantic feelings of any kind. It unexpectedly required very little effort, and it made Ludwig uneasy.

He talked to only a few people, the people that talked to him. He never initiated conversations or relations. Ignoring people was his motto. It was a lonely life, but he at least wasn't gay.

This all changed in his Junior year when an Italian transfer student was introduced in the middle of the year.

Ludwig's first reaction to seeing the transfer student was to stare. It was then when Ludwig remembered the only empty seat was right next to him, and that would be where the new student would sit.

"I'm Feliciano," he said too loudly, "but you can call me Feli!"

"Ludwig." Ludwig replied quietly, as now the teacher was glaring at them. He wished silently that Feli would notice and take the hint to be quiet.

Unfortunately, Feli just continued in the same loud voice. "Nice to meet yo-!"

"Please be quiet." Ludwig interrupted in a hushed, harsh tone.

Feli gasped with understanding as he noticed the glaring teacher. He continued, again, but at least this time in a whisper. "Ohhh, sorry!"

Ludwig barely nodded while he jotted down a few notes.

Days like this continued on and on, and Ludwig went from finding Feli slightly attractive to falling head over heels for him.

And he was sure the Italian knew, because he taunted him with things like long hugs, and cheek kisses, and unnecessary touching. Feli spent an ungodly amount of time with him too. Everyone else found him too annoying, and so he always found his way back to Ludwig.

Ludwig was slowly losing his grip when summer rolled around. Feli started coming over to his house more often and even staying the night.

One night Feli decided they were going to watch movies together. Ludwig's parents were on a vacation until the end of summer and Gilbert was out with his friends, so they were alone.

Ludwig went to the kitchen and brought back popcorn and drinks while Feli chose the movie. Ludwig had been against this from the start. He did not want to be alone with Feli, and he was scared. Regardless, he had a hard time saying no to Feli, and when he did, Feli would badger him until he finally said yes.

And so Ludwig found himself holding a curled up Feli, watching Titanic.

About halfway through, Feli paused the movie.

"Luddy?"

Ludwig turned to look at his friend, ignoring the nickname Feliciano had become so fond of using.

And then Feli kissed him. And then he kissed him back.

When they finally pulled away, Feli spoke softly, smiling, in the most serious, matter-of-fact way. "I love you."

Ludwig stopped breathing. He stood up, and seemed to be staring at nothing.

Feli stood up too and Ludwig got his breathing back (though it was course, uneven).

Feli touched his arm. "Ludwig, are you okay? I'm sorry."

Ludwig pulled away and held his arm in the spot that Feli had touched. "Don't touch me. Get out."

Feli looked like he was about to cry, but then so did Ludwig.

Feli blinked back tears and started towards the door. When the door behind him was shut, he started running home, sobbing.

Ludwig broke down. He couldn't see anything; he was dizzy. He somehow managed to reach his bedroom, though he didn't have any recollection of going up the stairs. He slammed onto his bed and wept. He didn't realize how long he'd been crying until his brother came into the room, surprised.

"What happened? Where's Feli?" Gilbert asked, and Ludwig shook his head and asked him to leave. And so he did.

* * *

_Days passed,_ Feli texted him. _Then weeks_ Feli texted him a lot. A month, and Ludwig still hadn't replied. He hated himself too much.

A month and three days after that night passed and there was a knock at the door. Ludwig didn't get up to see who it was. He hardly ever left his room since then. Gilbert got it, and let the guest in.

There was another knock. This time, on Ludwig's bedroom door. He couldn't ignore it, so he got up and opened the door, and there he saw Feli.

"I miss you. And I'm sorry." Feli said.

"I was too harsh." Ludwig said. "I didn't mean it. I was in shock, I- it was wrong."

"What do you mean it was wrong?" Feli was concerned.

"You're androgynous. And I love you. And it's wrong." Ludwig swallowed hard, trying not to cry again.

Feli looked sad, and hurt. He took Ludwig by the hand and led him to the bed. They sat down opposite each other.

"Who told you it was wrong? What in any form is love wrong?" Feli asked.

"My parents said-"

"You're eighteen," Feli smiled, almost laughing, "You can make your own decisions!"

Ludwig lost his breath again, tears gathering at the edges of his eyes.

Feli's face fell again. He climbed onto Ludwig's lap and hugged him tight. "I know it's hard to know something all of your life and then have it change." He said softly, carefully. "I just want you to accept who you are, whoever it may be, because you are beautiful."

Ludwig started crying, but this time in happiness. He kissed Feli on the forehead, on the nose, on the mouth. And he knew who he was, and accepted it. And he was happy.


End file.
